In my line of work, I encounter people “playing the back 9” of life more often than not. Given my vast experience, I am personally declaring myself the Ambassador to Old People (capital letters make it look official as fuck), and am also declaring myself an expert on Maw Maw and Pop Pop behavior. The purpose of today’s thought is to explain why the people who survived the Polio scare look completely lost in the 21st century.
Unless located in the comforts of their own, smelly homes, senior citizens possess the facial expression of Ryan Lochte attempting to do anything but swim. (with that metaphor I’m trying to convey that old people always don a blank expression, as well as portraying Ryan Lochte as a fortunate idiot that swims well). Step one is recognizing the problem: seniors are confused by today’s world. Step two is providing an opinionated explanation. In actuality, step one: collect underpants, step two: ???, step three: profit. (Did that one go over your head? If yes, evaluate your life, and more importantly, your animated TV show preferences. If no, then you’re doing it right).
On to providing said explanation. It is my expert opinion that senior citizens look lost due to a sensory overload of idiocy that has caused them to shut down at a cerebral level (If correct, this could explain dementia and Alzheimer’s syndrome). Lets think about this for a second, shall we? When these people were young, the most exciting thing that happened to them was dad making enough money at the cotton mill to buy a radio, and then being captivated by the adventures of “Little Orphan Annie” one night a week. Now they turn on the TV and God knows what their cataract-stricken eyes are going to witness. Best case scenario, assuming their hearing aids are turned up, is they catch a few “GD’s” or a “shit” sprinkled into a plot too deep for them to care. Worst case scenario, they are irrevocably scarred by a handful of floppy weiners on HBO. If these people try to play it safe by switching over to ABC “Family”, they are met with shows like Pretty Little Liars (really wish I could insert a recording of the guy’s voice in the commercials), or Secret Life of the American Teenager (where 15 year olds are not only banging each other relentlessly, all the while mixing in some of the worst acting in the history of popular culture, but they are incredibly fertile and blow, pun-intended, their way through high school without regard for birth control or contraception).
To add to the confusion, ABC “Family” thought it a good idea to follow these High School dramas with the ever-delightful 700 Club. My only thinking of potential rationale would be to scare the shit out of the pre-teen girls watching these shows, by summoning ye olde fire and brimstone technique (ABC Family, you sly bastards). Ill have to admit, this example alone is enough to mind-fuck the shit out of me, so I can only underestimate the effect that it has on people who appreciate the comfortability of a K&W Cafeteria. It is due to these shocks and terrors that the senior citizen brain in-effect tunes out as part of an effort to self-preserve sanity.
In summation, next time you see one of these kind, but sometimes fucking mean, sweet, yet vulgar, old people living large off of their Social Security checks and struggling with the touch screen in the pharmacy checkout line, consider the horrors that they have witnessed in their lives and take a fucking step back. These people had to deal with Hitler, the 60’s, and Bieber for God’s sake.